THE REPORTER
Winter 1998

ESTHER PEREL

Taking the horror out of Christmas and Chanukah for mixed Jewish families.

By Sharon Goldman Endry

Read Perel's advice for real people grappling with the December Dilemma.

The December Dilemma. Someone unfamiliar with the term might conjure up amusing mental pictures of philosophers stroking their beards, mulling over what to do about that darned last month of the year.

But it has become a household term in late-20th-century American Jewish life, describing an all-too-common scenario: With intermarriage widespread and many Jews living as distinct minorities, families are increasingly bombarded with issues that come up at Christmas time: Which holiday symbols belong in the house? How are the children religiously educated? What is the role of in-laws? Because religious ritual shapes our identity and has inextricable associations with the people we love, the controversy can be so powerful that, all by itself, it can tear apart otherwise successful relationships.

Addressed properly, however, the issues may be resolved. Enter Esther Perel, whose extensive work on subjects pertaining to Jewish cultural identity and intermarriage have made her well known across America, Europe and Israel.

"Jews are an endlessly fascinating bunch because they are always very much a part of, and interact with, their societies," she says. "But that interaction can also lead to a clash of cultural identities, especially at holiday time."

Originally from Belgium, Perel moved to Israel at age 17, and received degrees from Hebrew University in Jerusalem and from Lesley College in Cambridge, Mass. Now a family therapist and organizational consultant, she has a private practice in New York and frequently lectures and conducts workshops on issues facing cross-cultural couples at such New York institutions as Hebrew Union College/Jewish Institute of Religion and the 92nd Street Y.

During the December holidays, says Perel, some of the core themes inherent in a mixed marriage issues of family, heritage and culture are highlighted. But the dilemma doesn t come from Chanukah or Christmas themselves, she explains just the unfortunate luck that they happen to fall during the same season, and the fact that Christmas is one of the most ritualized and celebrated days of the year in America.

For non-Jews, says Perel, Christmas provides the strongest familial connotations and childhood memories. "To ask a gentile not to celebrate Christmas is tremendous," she stresses. But for Jews, the holiday is trespassing on forbidden ground, often inducing terrible guilt. "Jewish identity hangs on a [Christmas] tree for many Jews," says Perel. "They say, I m a Jew because I don t have one."

Perel tries to work within the community to help Jews explore their cultural identity and the way they, as a minority, fit into a larger, Christian environment. She enjoys the work, she says, because it is so varied. " It brings together sociology, anthropology, many of the social sciences. It is also a direct way of looking at relationships it s both familial and personal."

Perel can relate personally to her work because of her multinational background. I have certainly been different in every country I ve lived, she explains. I was the first generation of my family to be born in Belgium, I was a European in Israel and then an Israeli Jew in America.

The Reporter recently asked Perel to offer advice to real people* grappling with the December Dilemma. Some of those featured are intermarried, some are not but they each represent thousands of other couples and families on the front line of this seasonal battle.

The Reporter recently asked Perel to offer advice to real people grappling with the December Dilemma. Some of the couples are intermarried, some are not-- but they each represent thousands of other couples and families on the fron line of this seasonal battle.

Eric & Maureen: She wants a tree.
Donald & Sheryl: They regret the decision to celebrate both.
Stephen & Nina: After her parents die, she misses Christmas.
Mark & Michelle: Their daughter is asking about Santa.
Ari & Karen: They're both Jewish; she wants Christmas.

Eric & Maureen: She wants a tree.

Names: Eric Greenberg, 34 and Maureen O Connor, 32

Location: New York, N.Y.

Religious background:
Eric grew up in a Conservative Jewish family. Maureen was raised Irish Catholic but converted to Judaism when she married.

How they deal with Christmas/Chanukah:
The couple had always assumed Chanukah would be the only seasonal holiday celebrated in their home. Eric feels strongly that there can be no Christmas symbols in the house, particularly now that their son, Benjamin, has turned 3.

What they argue about:
When they married four years ago, Maureen agreed that Christmas would not be a part of their household, but now she would like to bring at least one aspect of the holiday into their home, specifically a tree.

He says: "I thought this was resolved in the beginning, when we first got together. I come from a household where Christmas is totally taboo for Jews and I made it clear that I don t want my son seeing Christmas symbols in our house."

She says: "I thought I would be able to handle not having any remnant of Christmas, but since my family lives in Denver, it s really hard for me. I want something from my childhood, too."

Esther's Analysis:
"My first question to this couple is, 'What happens when you have conversations about this topic?' Are both spouses only willing to talk about their own point of view?
Eric and Maureen both need acknowledgment of their respective experiences. Has Maureen ever heard Eric say, 'The loss of Christmas must have been a big deal for you ?' Maureen needs to feel that Eric understands what she's going through because she has done something-- convert and renounce her childhood culture--that he probably can't even conceive of doing. Once the feelings are acknowledged, the couple may more easily be able to compromise.
Maureen needs to think about why she wants the tree--does she want to share something of her childhood experiences with her children? Are there other ways that she can do this? With the anxiety that comes from these types of issues, couples are often prevented from being creative."


Donald & Sheryl: They regret the decision to celebrate both.

Names: Donald Fischer-Martin, 28 and Sharon Fischer-Martin, 28

Location:
Pittsburgh, Pa.

Religious background:
Donald grew up in a secular Protestant home, while Sharon grew up as an
Orthodox Jew but is no longer observant.

How they deal with Christmas/Chanukah:
Donald and Sharon agreed when they married a year and a half ago that Christmas and Chanukah would get equal time-- they have both a tree and a menorah.

What they argue about:
Sharon has become increasingly uncomfortable with Christmas symbols in the couple's home and is beginning to regret the pre-marriage agreement they made.

He says: "I think it is completely fair that we celebrate the two holidays equally. I enjoy the Chanukah celebration, but I love Christmas, too."

She says: "I don't want Don to give up his holiday and I think the season is beautiful, but it's so hard for me to see the tree and the colors in my living room. Plus, my parents, who were already upset by my marriage, won't come to my house to celebrate Chanukah because of the tree."

Esther's Analysis:
"When people begin a marriage, they often say all kinds of things to each other in order to ensure togetherness. Couples don't make these decisions in a vacuum; the driving force is the desire to be together. Sharon has to deal with the consequences of her choice of partner-- Donald comes with his differentness. Some of that is highly attractive and some creates tension and anxiety. Donald can't hold Sharon accountable to what was decided when they first got married-- they have to deal with what's going on now and get out of the polarized situation they are in.
As for Sharon s parents, they have the right to refuse to come to the house--parents often find it difficult to see discontinuity when they walk into the lives of their children. But they could come anytime during the rest of the year, for example."


Stephen & Nina: After her parents died, she misses Christmas.

Names: Ben Kessler, 42 and Nina Kessler, 43

Location: Los Angeles, Calif.

Religious background:
Ben grew up in a traditional Conservative home. Nina grew up Italian-Catholic-- she did not convert.

How they deal with Christmas/Chanukah:
Until two years ago, Ben and Nina felt they had the perfect compromise. In their home, Chanukah was central, complete with menorah and dreidels. But on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, the family -- including 10-year-old Joseph and 6-year-old Susannah -- would head to Nina's parents home 20 minutes away for seasonal festivities.

What they argue about:
Nina's father passed away five years ago and last year, her mother died. Since they are no longer around to plan and prepare the Christmas celebrations, Nina feels that she must carry on some form of the tradition.

He says: "It never occurred to me that we might not have anywhere to go for Christmas, but I don t feel comfortable bringing it into our home."

She says: "It's a bit strange for me too, but I can't imagine not having Christmas be at least of part of my life. I've spent Christmas at my parents every year of my life and now I can't. Our kids will miss it, too."

Esther's Analysis:
"What is Nina trying to do? Is she trying to take over the role of the person who brings the family together? Is she looking for a sense of community? Perhaps her goal should be to celebrate Christmas with people who most appreciate it and where it has the most meaning. Can she celebrate with friends or members of the community at someone else s home? Nina can still make Christmas a part of her life, even if it s not everything she experienced with her parents."


Mark & Michelle: Their daughter is asking about Santa.

Names: Mark Cohen, 36 and Michelle Cohen, 34

Location: Atlanta, Ga.

Religious background: Both grew up as Conservative Jews

How they deal with Christmas/ Chanukah:
Mark and Michelle celebrate only Chanukah in their home.

What they argue about:
Their 5-year-old daughter, Hannah, attends the local public school kindergarten and has begun asking about Santa Claus. The family lives in a non-Jewish neighborhood and doesn't know how to make sure their daughter doesn't feel left out during holiday time.

He says: "I don't want to bring Christmas into my home. I'm tempted to send Hannah to private school to keep her from hearing too much about Christmas, but we really can't afford it."

She says: "I'm just afraid Hannah will start getting teased. She's the only Jew in her entire class and I don t want her to feel isolated."

Esther's Analysis:
"Isolation can make for a very strong Jewish identity. But if a child is the only one in the class who is different, parents must learn to deal with it. They can't keep her from learning about Christmas-- it's part of being a Jew in America. So why try to make it negative? It can be beautiful, and you can participate in something without thinking it s yours. Hannah can be made to understand the boundaries between what her family does and what other families do, what is theirs and what is hers."


Ari & Karen: They're both Jewish; she wants Christmas.

Names: Ari Rothman, 33 and Karen Gold Rothman, 32

Location: Long Island, N.Y.

Religious background:
Ari grew up as an Orthodox Jew, while Karen grew up in a non-observant Jewish household.

How they deal with Christmas/Chanukah:
Newly married, the couple has yet to agree on an appropriate compromise and have argued several times about the issue in recent months.

What they argue about:
Ari insists on an all-Chanukah household, and cannot understand why Karen, a Jew, would insist on any kind of Christmas symbolism. Karen grew up with a Christmas tree and Christmas presents and can't understand why Ari thinks they are a big deal.

He says: "I consider Christmas a Christian holiday and I think Karen should respect that. In fact I think she should feel the same way. After all, we're not Christian. Why should we celebrate Christmas?

She says: "I don't consider Christmas to be religious. I think it's a national, seasonal holiday, like Thanksgiving. I like the season, so why is a tree so terrible?"

Esther's Analysis:
"They're both right, but they can either be right and alone or find a way to live together. Outside of America, Christmas is seen as a Christian holiday. But we live in a Christian country so it's also a national holiday. But for Ari and Karen, this is not the only area in which they will encounter differences in Jewish identity: Do they share a similar attitude about synagogue? Views of kashrut? Aspects of ritual and observance?
Ari also makes it sound like he is a good Jew and Karen a bad Jew, that she should come around to his way of doing things. It can become a struggle, but these two knew they came from different backgrounds before they married. If you're going to find someone different from you, you should honor their differences. You can either make them complementary or polarize and fight for life."

Sharon Goldman Edry is a free-lance writer in New York.

Esther Perel is a senior faculty member of the couples program at the 92nd Street Y and a clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at NYU Medical School. She has also published numerous articles on intermarriage, cultural and religious identity and cross-cultural relations in publications such as Tikkun, New York, Parents, Working Woman and The Washington Post.

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