by Joan Rivers

If you're smart, you will seize every moment. I don't want to hear you say, "Why go to Europe since I only have four days?" Take five days. Europe is small, days are long, you'll regret not having gone.

I went to St. Petersburg - no, not the one in Florida - for three days in the middle of the winter. All my friends said, "Three days? What can you do in three days? Wait till you have at least a week," Well, it was the best trip of my life. I stood in the Hermitage and I walked the streets that Peter the Great walked and I had 32 kinds of borscht and I saw a performance of the opera "Navista." Three magical, unforgettable days.

Kim Basinger once said, "When I'm old, I'm never going to say, "I didn't do this" or "I regret that," I'm going to say, "I don't regret a damn thing. I came, I went, and I did it all!"

If you are smart and eat right and exercise well and have been suctioned out and can suck in your gut and hold it, if you've taken that long hard look in the mirror and decided you still look great at 50, then you will put on that bandage dress by Leger and flaunt it and know that people will think you look terrific and the hell with your age!

I've had my face revised from time to time. In fact, Darwin would be happy to know that my face is in a constant state of evolution.

If you are smart, you will also accept reality. If the hard look in the mirror tells you that you can't wear that Leger, then know that at least you can still look up-to-date and not like someone who was just pulled off the Titanic.

"That's easy for you to say, Joan," you're telling me. "You can afford gyms and spas and vacations and new clothes."

But money isn't the key to staying youthful and attractive. As I have said before, the best exercise is free and the best grooming is simple and cheap. Brushing your hair, using makeup intelligently, and wearing a nice piece of jewelry with simple, tailored clothes does not require a sale of stock.

And, if you are smart, you'll understand that, every once in a while, you're going to slip up and look like a fool, so keep your sense of humor and remember you can always regroup. I used to love to dance at discos, to make up my own steps and be carefree on the floor, but there comes a moment when you realize that this particular woman should no longer be hopping around under the spinning mirror ball.

If you are smart, you will also know that you've got to have hope. My friend Tyne Daly says, "Hope is a muscle." In other words, you have to keep exercising it. Emily Dickinson wrote, "Hope is a thing with feathers," but I prefer Tyne's definition. Anyway, Emily Dickinson never got out of the house, so what did she know? I want you to get out of the house, and I want you to believe what I do: that good things even come out of bad ones. In fact, I've rarely seen anything bad that didn't lead to something positive.

But you've got to keep making the positive happen; you've got to work at turning around whatever befalls you so that it works to your advantage. For example, if you have a hysterectomy, make them give you a tummy tuck at the same time. Somebody has to sew you up, so let it be a plastic surgeon. That's what I did and I was the only happy lady on my floor. The other women were moaning, "Oh, it's over; what's left for me?" But I was looking down at my stomach and thinking: I can wear a two-piece bathing suit again!

They say that when you get older, your sex life diminishes. That would mean I'd owe.

Try to turn everything to your advantage. If your feet hurt and you can't take another step in heels, say, "Aren't I lucky that this year flats are in?" And you're wearing them not because your feet hurt but because you're hip.

In the words of the song: Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Not only should you not dwell on the negative, but avoid friends who dwell on it.

People who tell me they feel burned out drive me up the wall (which at least is good exercise), because it really means they are bored, and there's no excuse for being bored unless you happen to be in solitary confinement. It is the height - well, really the depth - of stupidity to feel burned out on a planet overflowing with the riches that Robert Louis Stevenson recommended to children with the words: The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be happy as kings.

Forget the Sears catalog and read the one from your local community college and your YWCA. Volunteer to play with children in hospitals or work at an Adult Literacy Center and see how quickly your burnout is extinguished.

When you realize all that baggage that comes with aging, REFUSE to pay the C.O.D.

The Beatles may have believed in yesterday when they sang as a group, but, offstage, Paul McCartney has always believed in today. Right after the tragic death of his wife, Linda, he spoke of the philosophy that had kept the two of them happy for 30 years.

"If I could have just one wish, it would be to enjoy today. That's it. If I can go to bed at night and say, 'Yeah, that was good,' then that really is all there is."

Yesterday is a ghost and tomorrow is a dream. It is always right now. Be thankful that God has given you this right now. Many of your friends and loved ones no longer have it, so enjoy it. You don't have to be Einstein to figure that out. The Three Stooges knew it. They laughed till they dropped.

This article is excerpted from Joan Rivers' new book, "Don't Count the Candles: Just Keep the Fire Lit", with permission from HarperCollins Publishers (April 1999).