by Sharon Goldman Endry

But it has become a household term in late-20th-century American Jewish life, describing an all-too-common scenario: With intermarriage widespread and many Jews living as distinct minorities, families are increasingly bombarded with issues that come up at Christmas time: Which holiday symbols belong in the house? How are the children religiously educated? What is the role of in-laws? Because religious ritual shapes our identity and has inextricable associations with the people we love, the controversy can be so powerful that, all by itself, it can tear apart otherwise successful relationships.

Addressed properly, however, the issues may be resolved. Enter Esther Perel, whose extensive work on subjects pertaining to Jewish cultural identity and intermarriage have made her well known across America, Europe and Israel.

"Jews are an endlessly fascinating bunch because they are always very much a part of, and interact with, their societies," she says. "But that interaction can also lead to a clash of cultural identities, especially at holiday time."

Originally from Belgium, Perel moved to Israel at age 17, and received degrees from Hebrew University in Jerusalem and from Lesley College in Cambridge, Mass. Now a family therapist and organizational consultant, she has a private practice in New York and frequently lectures and conducts workshops on issues facing cross-cultural couples at such New York institutions as Hebrew Union College/Jewish Institute of Religion and the 92nd Street Y.

During the December holidays, says Perel, some of the core themes inherent in a mixed marriage issues of family, heritage and culture are highlighted. But the dilemma doesn t come from Chanukah or Christmas themselves, she explains just the unfortunate luck that they happen to fall during the same season, and the fact that Christmas is one of the most ritualized and celebrated days of the year in America.

For non-Jews, says Perel, Christmas provides the strongest familial connotations and childhood memories. "To ask a gentile not to celebrate Christmas is tremendous," she stresses. But for Jews, the holiday is trespassing on forbidden ground, often inducing terrible guilt. "Jewish identity hangs on a [Christmas] tree for many Jews," says Perel. "They say, I m a Jew because I don t have one."

Perel tries to work within the community to help Jews explore their cultural identity and the way they, as a minority, fit into a larger, Christian environment. She enjoys the work, she says, because it is so varied. " It brings together sociology, anthropology, many of the social sciences. It is also a direct way of looking at relationships it s both familial and personal."

Perel can relate personally to her work because of her multinational background. "I have certainly been different in every country I've lived, she explains. I was the first generation of my family to be born in Belgium, I was a European in Israel and then an Israeli Jew in America."